Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
