He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
