She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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