Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
