your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Terrible idea I love it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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