I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
