Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
this is an emotional support booty call
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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