I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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