you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
