I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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