I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
