She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
