Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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