I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
