I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am spending my child support on dildos
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize