I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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