My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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