naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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