we have pet lesbian snakes
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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