I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
