My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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