Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
