there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
