Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
