Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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