First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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