yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
