If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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