I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
