U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
