U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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