saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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