Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
