so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
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