I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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