He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
