Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
