last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
