can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
