My sheets look like a crime scene.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I stole a fireplace last night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
