finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
