I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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