hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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