I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
