her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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