If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We left an ass print on the piano.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
