I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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