Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
