im so drunk with asians
where?
always
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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