Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
