Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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