I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm too high and old for this...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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