Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
