I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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