woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
