I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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