mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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