I just cut my nipple shaving
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
