I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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