I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
