508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
